Regret
by hobbleit
Summary: Syed's past comes back to haunt him in the worst way imaginable, testing his and Christian's relationship to breaking point.  Can they work things out before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello fellow Chryedian's. I know I've already got a WIP on the go but this came into my head and it won't leave so I'm writing it. **

**Be warned, this is not going to be a happy fic. Hope you enjoy the angst though**

**Disclaimer: I do not own EastEnders or Christian and Syed but I do like to cause them pain and angst :D**

**Chapter One**

"Where's Christian?" Roxy asked Syed. They were supposed to be meeting up at R&R but so far Christian hadn't arrived.

"He's been held up with a client," Syed explained. "He said he'd be here as soon as he could."

"Typical," Roxy moaned before walking off, leaving Syed alone with the hot new bartender who had just started working at the club.

Syed had to admit the man was attractive, he was tall with dark hair and perfectly tanned skin. His face was peppered with black stubble that would make even the straightest man swoon. Not that Syed had looked that closely, he was perfectly happy with Christian but it didn't mean he couldn't look. Christian would probably come out with some blatant innuendo about how gorgeous this man was.

"What can I get you?" He asked Syed, his voice deep and very sexy.

"Just a coke," Syed replied.

"Sure you don't want anything stronger?"

"I don't drink."

"One coke coming right up. Are you waiting for someone?" He made conversation as he grabbed a glass for Syed's drink."

"My boyfriend… sorry fiancé," Syed replied. It was taking a bit of time to get used to saying that even if a thrill surged through him every time he thought about marrying Christian. He found himself wishing his divorce would hurry up and come through so they could finally be together. "He's running late."

"Perhaps I could keep you company then," the bartender said as he handed Syed his drink. "It's better than standing here on your own…"

"… Looking sad and desperate?" Syed finished the sentence.

"I was going to say until every hot bloke in the place tries to hit on you."

Syed blushed slightly at the blatant flirting of the bartender. Instead of replying he took a sip of his coke.

"You have beautiful eyes," the bartender continued, making Syed feel even more uncomfortable. "Don't feel embarrassed, I'm just complimenting you."

"Thanks for the compliment but it's not very appropriate. I have a fiancé who I love very much."

"And I wouldn't dream of coming between the two of you. Just think of it as a bit of harmless flirting."

"Erm… okay," Syed replied feeling very uncomfortable now. "I'm just going to go to the toilet," he made his excuses and practically ran away, feeling very unnerved by the whole situation.

XXX

Christian was annoyed. The training session had gone on twice as long as it should have due to his client insisting she could do better and now he was exhausted. He had been looking forward to a nice relaxing evening out with Syed and Roxy but now it was late and he hadn't even showered. He grabbed his phone and dialled Syed's number. Syed didn't answer and the call went to answer phone.

"Hey Sy, sorry I'm not there yet but as you can probably tell I'm running a little bit late. I'll be as quick as I can, I just need to take a shower first and then I'll be there ready to rock," he grinned to himself down the phone. He ended the call and sat down on the sofa. He only meant to sit down for a second but he quickly found himself dozing off and he drifted off to sleep.

XXX

Syed didn't feel very well. A sick feeling had settled on his stomach and he felt a little dizzy. He blamed it on not eating anything since lunchtime.

"Are you okay?" Roxy asked as Syed swayed slightly in his seat.

"I feel a little bit sick," Syed replied, his voice shaky and quiet.

"Maybe you should go home. I'll let Christian know if he ever bothers to turn up."

"Ok," Syed agreed. He moved to stand up but a wave of dizziness hit him and he ended up falling forward.

"Woah there," the bartender called out and moved to stop Syed from falling. "Maybe he needs a little help getting home."

"I think you're right."

"I'll make sure he gets home safe," the bar tender helped Syed to his feet and wrapped his arm around Syed's waist, holding him up in place. "Come on let's get you home."

He carried Syed outside before Syed stopped moving and began to sag in his arms. He closed his eyes in an attempt to stave off the nausea and took a deep breath, hoping the cool night air would make him feel a little bit better.

"I feel drunk but I don't drink," Syed said, trying to figure out why he was feeling so strange.

"Just breathe, you'll feel better in a moment."

"I want Christian," Syed groaned, barely able to keep the tears from rising up in his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to be curled up in bed with Christian holding him.

"You'll see him soon, don't worry," the man said as he gently brushed his hand across Syed's cheek. "You're a beautiful man, you know that?"

"I'm not."

"Yes you are," he soothed and moved his hand up so it was tangled in Syed's curly black hair. "Any man would kill to be with you," he said to Syed before he leaned in and kissed him. Syed immediately pulled away in shock.

"No, I love Christian. I just want to be with him," Syed protested.

"This doesn't have to be about love, Syed, just sex," He kissed Syed again. "Your fiancé doesn't ever have to know about it."

Syed didn't know what to think anymore. His head was spinning and no clear thought would form in his head to help him figure out what was going on. He just wanted to be home and in bed. He just wanted to go to sleep.

When he felt himself being kissed again he just didn't have the energy to push him away.

XXX

Roxy was having no luck getting through to Christian, he wasn't answering his phone and she was beginning to feel a little concerned. She decided to go to his flat to see him to make sure he was all right and that Syed had got home okay. She might not be fond of the man at times but he'd looked really ill earlier. She grabbed her jacket and headed out of the club.

She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Syed kissing the new bartender. It wasn't just a peck on the cheek, it was a full blown snog. Her shock quickly turned to anger at the sight of Syed betraying her best friend. She watched as the kiss broke apart.

"Come with me, I'll make you feel better."

"Ok," she heard Syed agree and let himself be led away by this stranger.

Roxy felt the anger surge back up. How could Syed do something like this to Christian? How could he betray the supposed love of his life like their relationship meant nothing to him?

She needed to see Christian now.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here's chapter 2. Again it's not very happy atm (I do like my angst). Just keep in mind that Christian and Syed don't know all the facts yet. It looks like an ordinary cheating from their point of view but there's more to it than that (isn't there always)**

**Chapter Two**

Christian woke up to the sound of banging on his door. It took him a moment to gather his bearings and remember where he was and what was happening before he could get up to answer the door. He felt even more confused when he saw a very angry looking Roxy at the door.

"Where's the fire?"

"You will not believe what I've just seen," she growled.

"Michael hasn't got off with another woman has he?"

"No. Let me in, you need to be sitting down for this."

Roxy's words actually made Christian feel very uneasy. Something was very wrong, he could feel it.

"What is it? Just tell me Rox."

"We were at the club waiting for you and Syed said he wasn't feeling very well. The fit new bartender said he would bring him back here but when I left to check on you, 'cos you were so late and not answering your phone, I saw them outside the club full on snogging."

"What?" Christian felt as though he had just been punched in the gut. He couldn't believe what Roxy was telling him. Syed wouldn't cheat on him, would he?"

"Syed went off with him. I thought he was ill but that must have been just a put on so he could leave with this bloke."

"Are you sure that's what you saw?"

"Definitely, I do know what snogging looks like."

"I don't believe it."

"I didn't want to believe it either but it happened."

"Can you leave please?" Christian felt as though he couldn't breathe, his chest had tightened and he wanted to scream. He couldn't do it in front of Roxy though.

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Christian."

"Just leave," he repeated his voice low and threatening. "I don't want you here."

"I'll come back later then," Roxy said, getting the hint. "Don't do anything stupid," she said to him as she turned to leave.

Once Christian heard the door close behind him he could finally give in to the emotions he was feeling. He felt betrayed and angry. He felt upset. If Syed had walked through the door then and now Christian was certain he could have killed him with his bare hands.

He couldn't believe that Syed could do this to him, that he could cheat on him when he had told him so many times that he loved him and they would always be together. He felt the bile rise up in his throat and he had to run to the bathroom before he threw up. He heaved into the toilet bowl, allowing the pain and grief to wash over him. Afterwards, he returned to the living room and collapsed on to the sofa feeling exhausted and alone. He allowed the misery he was feeling to wash over him and consume him wholly as he sat there waiting for Syed to return home.

He needed to know what was going on and he needed to know now.

XXX

When Syed woke up he really wished he hadn't. He felt like Hell. His head was spinning and his stomach felt like it would expel all of its contents if he even moved an inch. He curled up in the bed and tried to go to sleep.

The other side of the bed felt cold. He wondered where Christian was and why he hadn't woken when he got out of bed. He put it down to feeling ill.

It took him a few minutes to realise this wasn't his bed. The covers were a different colour and the mattress not as firm. He risked sitting up and looked around to see a proper bedroom, not the bed/living area like the layout of the flat. The sick feeling came back with a vengeance as he realised that he was naked.

What had happened last night? Syed wondered. The last thing he remembered was standing at the bar talking to the new bartender before he'd walked away, feeling uncomfortable with the flirting. After that everything became blurry. He tentatively clambered out of bed and searched around for his clothes, being careful not to make himself feel any worse than he already did. After he had pulled on his clothing he slowly made his way down the stairs. He needed to know what was going on.

"You're awake," he saw the smiling man in the kitchen cooking. It was the bartender from last night. Now Syed was really terrified that he couldn't remember anything. "I was beginning to think you were going to sleep the day away."

Syed couldn't speak, he just froze. He desperately needed to know what went on last night.

"I'm Matt by the way," he introduced himself. "I don't think we properly introduced ourselves last night, we were a little bit busy."

"Oh God," Syed groaned. He felt sick again but this was a different kind of sick. This feeling came from the realisation that he had cheated on Christian and he couldn't even remember it.

"You were amazing, you know that?" He said as he moved over towards Syed and wrapped his arms around his waist. Syed pushed him away.

"What happened?" Syed asked, trying desperately not to cry.

"In the words of AC/DC, you shook me all night long," Matt grinned at the innuendo.

"I don't remember anything. Why don't I remember?"

"You were pretty drunk but you were wild."

"But I don't drink," Syed protested. "How could I be drunk when I don't drink?"

"You certainly weren't sober, babe."

"I need to go, I need to get out of here," Syed couldn't think straight. His head was banging and he couldn't breathe properly.

"Maybe I could see you again."

"No, No, I never want to see you again," Syed almost shouted. He had to get out. He turned and practically ran out of the house, not stopping until the threat of nausea overtook him completely and he ended up being sick in a bin. He welcomed the pain, he deserved every single second of it for what he had done to Christian.

He took a look around, he had no idea where he was. The only thing he could focus on was finding his way back home and back to Christian. He needed to see him and talk to him, explain what had happened and hope that he would be forgiven. He doubted it though. If Syed had reacted badly when Christian confessed to kissing that piper on New Year's Eve then Christian would react ten times worse. Syed had actually slept with someone else.

XXX

Christian heard the lock turn in the door and he closed his eyes. Syed was home. He hadn't slept a wink of sleep since Roxy had told him that Syed had gone off with another man. He had been waiting all night for this confrontation and now it was finally about to happen, he didn't want it. He wanted to go back to being blissfully ignorant about his cheating fiancé, he wanted to pretend to be happy.

He heard Syed enter the flat and drop his keys and phone on the table but he didn't say anything. The atmosphere of the room had changed significantly and it made Christian want to scream.

"Hey," Syed greeted, his voice filled with uncertainty.

"You're home," Christian replied, his voice croaky from crying. "You were out all night."

"I'm sorry."

"So you should be. Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"I don't know what you mean?"

"Don't pretend, Syed," Christian said, his voice rising. "Don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, Roxy saw you," Christian couldn't even look at Syed.

"Christian, please," Syed's voice cracked as tears filled his eyes. "Please just listen to me."

"Why should I listen to anything to you have to say?" Christian finally stood up and turned to face Syed. "You were with another man, Roxy saw you kissing another man and I'm betting it didn't just end there did it? DID IT!" Christian shouted and Syed jumped back slightly but didn't say a word. "I thought so," Christian's voice went from shouting to deathly cold.

"I didn't mean for it to happen."

"I bet you didn't. What did he say to make you want him? 'Oh Syed, you're eyes are so beautiful, any man would be lucky to have such a wonderful person'," Christian mocked coldly. "You make me feel sick, Syed."

"I never wanted it to happen."

"But you did. I thought I knew you, Syed. I thought I had you pegged but you're just a filthy little cheat, aren't you? You cheated on Amira and now you've cheated on me. It's in your nature isn't it? You can't help yourself."

"I'm sorry," Syed cried.

"I was going to spend the rest of my life with you so sorry just isn't going to cut it Syed. You slept with another man after you said you would marry me. Why would you do that?"

"I don't know… I don't rem…"

"I know why you did," Christian cut Syed off before he could explain further. "I'm not enough for you."

"No, no, that's not true. I love you. I love you so much," Syed grabbed hold of Christian and tried to make him look him in the eyes.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Christian yelled and pushed Syed away. "You don't get to touch me."

"Please listen to me," Syed begged.

"I don't want to listen, there is nothing you can say that I want to hear. You're a cheat, Syed. You're a liar and you don't deserve to let me hear any of your pathetic excuses. Now I want you out of this flat. I want you to go and never speak to me again."

"I have nowhere to go."

"I don't care. You lost the right to live here the moment you went to bed with that other man," Christian rushed into the spare room and began shoving Syed's clothes into a bag. Syed followed him into the room and tried to stop him.

"No, please Christian, don't do this," he grabbed hold of the bag and tried to pull it away.

"Whatever you leave behind I will burn," Christian threatened, reminding Syed of the time his mother had set fire to his belongings. Syed knew Christian had chosen his words deliberately in order to hurt him.

"I'm not leaving, not until we've talked."

"I'm not going to talk to you anymore," Christian told Syed as Syed tried to grab him. "I told you not to touch me," Christian lashed out and caught Syed's face with the back of his hand. Syed fell to the floor with a bang and both stopped dead, not quite believing what had happened.

Christian took a look at Syed lying on the floor, his hand clutching his face where Christian had struck him, a shocked look on his face. A flash of guilt spread over Christian's face. He had always prided himself on being a non-violent person but he had just hit the man he was in love with.

"Get out of this flat now," Christian threw the bag at Syed but he made no attempt to leave. "I said GET OUT!" Christian grabbed Syed and dragged him towards the door.

"No Christian, please," Syed continued begging as Christian roughly pushed him down the stairs of the flat they shared. He opened the door and shoved Syed out, the young Muslim falling to the ground; grazing his hands on the hard concrete.

Christian returned into the flat and slammed the door behind him. Syed scrambled to his feet and banged on the door.

"Christian, please, listen to me. I can explain if you'll just let me."

The door opened again as Christian threw Syed's bag out of the flat.

"I don't want to hear it Syed. I want you gone," he said and slammed the door once more with a deafening finality.

Syed continued to bang on the door for a short while before he gave up and collapsed against the door, sobbing.

He had destroyed the best thing in his life and he didn't even remember it.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here's chapter 3. Christian continues to be a bit of a bastard because he still doesn't know what's going on. That will change soon. Thank you for all the lovely reviews.**

**The bolded parts are lyrics from the song "Regret" by Anathema, the song which the title of the fic is taken from.  
><strong>

**Chapter Three**

_**As I drift away... far away from you,  
>I feel all alone in a crowded room,<br>Thinking to myself  
>"There's no escape from this<br>fear,  
>regret,<br>loneliness..."**_

Syed hadn't slept a wink. He just lay there trying desperately to remember what had happened. His mind was still completely blank. He could remember being at the club and he could remember a sick feeling but other than that he had no idea what he had done.

"How're you feeling?" He heard a voice. He sat up and saw Tanya standing at the door with a cup of tea and a sympathetic smile on her face. He had ended up on her sofa last night after Christian had thrown him out. "That's a nasty bruise," she said, gesturing to his face. He touched his cheek and felt a lump where Christian had hit him. He winced.

"Doesn't matter, I deserved it."

"I don't think anyone deserves to be hit in the face," Tanya said as she handed him the cup of tea and sat down next to him on the sofa. "Are you going to tell me what happened? You were in such a state last night."

Syed hadn't told Tanya what had happened, he had just shown up on her doorstep in tears and she had taken him in. She hadn't said anything at the time since Syed had been so upset but now she wanted answers. Problem was, Syed couldn't remember most of it.

"I cheated," he confessed.

"What?" Tanya said, her voice full of shock. She couldn't believe what Syed was saying, he and Christian always seemed so strong as a couple.

"I slept with someone else," Syed cried, tears flowing down his face.

"I don't believe it."

"It's true. I went out and I woke up yesterday morning in someone else's bed. Christian threw me out and he had every right to. I'm a horrible person."

"This doesn't sound like something you'd do, Sy."

"Doesn't it? I cheated on Amira."

"That was different, you're in love with Christian."

"It's the same, cheating is cheating and I hurt Christian. I deserve everything I get."

"I'm sure you'll work it out."

"He hates me."

"I'm sure he doesn't. He's just angry. He'll calm down in time and then the two of you can sit down and have a reasonable discussion about what happened. The two of you love each other too much to throw it all away over one silly night."

"He never wants to see me again. I can't go back there. I threw the best thing that has ever happened to me away and I don't even remember it."

"What do you mean?" Tanya asked, concern now filling her voice.

"He said that I was drunk but I don't drink so how could I be drunk?"

"And you don't remember anything?"

"I remember being at R&R and I was with Roxy, we were waiting for Christian but he'd been held up with a client so I bought a coke and I was talking with the bartender. I remember he was flirting with me and I didn't feel comfortable so I walked away. Then I remember feeling a bit sick and dizzy and I wanted to go home but then I don't remember anything else until I woke up in his bed yesterday morning."

"Something about that doesn't sound right, Sy, if you say you didn't drink anything and you don't remember what happened. Did you notice your drink tasting different?"

"No, I would have known if someone had put alcohol in my drink but I don't really remember it tasting any different."

"Come on, get dressed," Tanya instructed.

"What? Why?"

"I'm taking you to the hospital. If you can't remember anything then you need to be looked over. Now get ready, I'm not taking no for an answer here, Syed.

XXX

_**Visions of love and hate  
>a collage behind my eyes<br>Remnants of dying laughter  
>Echoes of silent cries<strong>_

Christian had been drinking for most of the night since he had thrown Syed out. He wanted to drown his sorrows and try to forget about the aching hole that had been left inside him. It was no use though, no matter how much he drank it was still there.

Roxy kept calling him but he refused to answer the phone. He didn't want to see anyone, he didn't want to talk to anyone. He wanted to forget the world existed for a time.

Tears fell down his face as it hit him once more what had happened. He still couldn't believe that Syed could do such a thing to him. He had broken his heart and now all that was left was an empty and broken shell of a man. Christian regretted ever falling in love with Syed, in fact he wished he had never met the man. He had caused Christian so much pain and hurt and Christian couldn't see how any of it had been worth it.

He needed Syed completely out of his life, Christian decided. He needed a completely new start and for that to happen he needed to get rid of Syed's remaining things in the flat. Filled with a new determination he found some bin liners in the cupboard and set about clearing Syed out of his life for good.

XXX

_**I wish I didn't know now that  
>I never knew then...<br>Flashback  
>Memories punish me once again<br>Sometimes I remember all the pain  
>that I have seen<br>Sometimes I wonder what might  
>have been...<strong>_

"So how much did you have to drink?" The doctor asked Syed with a slightly disapproving tone in her voice. She had seen so many people who had no memories of the previous night before and it was almost always down to drinking far too much alcohol. She simply assumed Syed was the same.

"I don't drink," he replied, his voice sounding annoyed. He didn't even want to be here, he wanted to by himself wallowing in his own misery but Tanya had forced him to go to the hospital and it really annoyed him that the doctor had simply assumed he had drunk too much.

"Do you remember what happened?"

"I was at a club waiting for my partner, then I felt ill and then I don't remember anything until the next morning."

"What did you have to drink then?"

"Just coke."

"Okay, then we need to find the cause of the blackout," the doctor replied, finally accepting Syed's story of not drinking alcohol. "I'm going to have some blood and urine tests done first of all."

"Thanks you doctor," Tanya smiled at the doctor as she left. "She was a bit rude weren't she?"

"A bit."

"Anyway, they'll find out what's wrong and then you can go and sort everything out with Christian. If there's a reason for it then he'll listen to you."

"I don't think so, he seemed pretty certain that we were through."

"He'll understand, I'm sure he will. You just need to sit down and sort out all those crossed wires."

"For now I just want to know what happened," Syed sighed with a defeated tone in his voice.

XXX

_**Visions of love and hate  
>A collage behind my eyes<br>Remnants of dying laughter  
>Echoes of silent cries<strong>_

Christian stared at the photograph of him and Syed. He was holding Syed in his arms and he had planted a giant kiss on Syed's cheek. Syed was grinning from ear to ear, a beautiful sparkle in his eyes. They looked so happy, so in love. It made Christian feel sick again. Not wanting to look at it any further he shoved it into one of the bin liners currently lying on the floor of the flat. It had taken him a couple of hours but finally all of Syed's things had been packed up.

He reached for his phone, intending to call Syed to tell him to pick up his stuff. After a couple of seconds he realised Syed's phone was still in the flat, lying on the table where he'd left it the day before next to his keys. Christian sighed heavily. He had to think for a moment as to where Syed might have gone. He knew for a fact he wouldn't have gone back to his parents, not even Syed would be able to put up with the gloating and I told you so's that they would inflict on the death of the relationship. That only left Tanya.

He dialled her number instead.

XXX

_**And sometimes I despair  
>At who I've become<br>I have to come to terms  
>With what I've done<strong>_

"Christian," Tanya greeted as she moved down the hall away from Syed's room. The doctor was currently running tests and she didn't know if he was ready to hear that Christian had been in contact. "What do you want?"

"Did Syed stay with you last night?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell him that I've packed his stuff up and ask him to come and pick it up?"

"Christian, you really need to talk with Syed and let him explain what happened."

"What is there to explain? He cheated, I want him out of my life. It's as simple as that."

"It's not that simple and you know it's not."

"Will you tell him?" Christian demanded to know.

"When he's up to hearing it I will. He's not in a good place right now."

"Don't take too long, he has two days then I'm binning the lot of it," Christian said and hung up the phone. Tanya closed her eyes and sighed. Christian wasn't going to listen to reason so she decided that once Syed was finished at the hospital she would go round to his and make him see sense.

She made her way back to the hospital room and found a very grave looking Syed sitting on the bed. The doctor had gone.

"What's wrong? Did the doctor find anything?"

"She's gone to phone the police," Syed said quietly, not trusting his own voice at this moment in time.

"The police? What did they find?"

"They found traces of a drug. They're calling the police to start an investigation."

_**The bittersweet taste of fate  
>We can't outrun the past<br>Destined to find an answer  
>A strength I never lost<br>I know there is a way  
>My future is not set<br>For the tide has turned  
>But still I never learned to live<br>without regret.**_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This chapter actually really suits my mood today**

**Chapter Four**

Date rape. The words spun around Syed's head until they stopped making sense. He couldn't believe that it had actually happened to him. He sat there in a dumbstruck silence while he was examined, Tanya standing by looking very worried. He didn't even remember answering the questions the policeman asked. He just felt numb.

"How did you know this man?" The policeman asked.

"He was a bartender. I'd never seen him before the other night," Syed replied mechanically. The answers were just coming out automatically.

"Do you know where he lives?"

"I can't remember. I didn't recognise the area and I just wanted to get out of there."

"What do you remember about that night? Do you remember going with him?"

"No, I just remember feeling sick and wanting to go home, everything else goes blank after that."

After the police had left, Tanya sat down next to him and held his hand. "How are you feeling?" She asked.

"I really don't know," Syed admitted as he ran his hand through his hair. "It's doesn't seem real. I keep thinking that it's a bad dream and that I'm going to wake up at any moment to find that none of this happened."

"You need to tell Christian about this."

"I can't."

"He'll understand."

"He was just so angry, you didn't see how mad he was. I don't know if I'm ready to face him yet."

"But this changes everything. He was only angry because he thought you'd slept with someone else."

"I did sleep with someone else."

"But not intentionally, this bloke forced it on you. Christian will understand that."

"Maybe, I don't know."

"Come on, let's get you back to mine and you can decide later."

"Most of my things are still at Christian's."

"Then I'll go and pick them up for you if you don't want to see him."

"I'd appreciate that, thanks."

XXX

Christian saw Syed and Tanya arrive back at Tanya's house from across the Square. He'd decided to go for a long run to try and work of some of his anger and frustrations but it hadn't worked. His heart almost leapt out of his chest when he saw Syed. He looked terrible. His hair was unbrushed and it looked like he hadn't slept a wink. It almost made him want to run across the Square up to the younger man and hold him until everything was all right again.

He didn't though. Instead he headed back to the cold emptiness of his flat. He flopped down on the sofa and sighed. The silence didn't last long as he was disturbed by the buzzer. He wanted to ignore it but it didn't stop. He didn't even bother to check who it was, he just buzzed them in. He had a feeling of who it would be anyway after his little phone call earlier. He really wasn't in the mood for this confrontation today.

"You need to talk to Syed," he heard Tanya's voice come from behind him.

"I don't need to do anything."

"Don't be so stubborn. Listen, Syed loves you, right and you love him so please, for both your sakes, just talk to him. Will you at least think about it?" Tanya asked. Christian didn't answer but simply shrugged, refusing to make such a commitment. "Then I'll just take his things and leave."

"They're over there," he pointed towards the bin liners resting on the floor.

Tanya went over and picked them up. On her way out she turned to Christian one more time and said, "It's not as simple as you think it is."

"It never is."

"When you understand come over and talk to Syed. He's going to need you," and then she left.

Christian was left confused by Tanya's departing comment. Syed was going to need him, what did she mean by that? His head hurt too much and he didn't want to think anymore. Feeling fed up, he grabbed his phone and dialled Roxy's number.

"Hey Rox, d'ya fancy going out tonight?"

XXX

In hindsight going to R&R was not the best idea. It was, after all, the scene of Syed's betrayal but Roxy had to work for a couple of hours and Christian just wanted to get drunk as quickly as possible. He didn't actually expect the bloke Syed had slept with to be working that night.

He didn't know who it was immediately but he felt Roxy tense up when she saw him.

"That's him isn't it?"

"I forgot he was shifted in tonight. Don't do anything stupid."

"What like jump across the bar and shove his head through the bottles? Would I do a thing like that?"

"You've put a lot of thought into that, haven't you?"

"I've had all day to think up stuff I'd like to do to him, now it's just good to put a face to the bloke I want to kill. Don't worry I wouldn't really," he reassured Roxy when he saw a worried look pass over her face.

"I'll get you a drink, just stay away from him." She warned.

"Yes mother," Christian said as he went to sit down. He continued to stare at the bartender though and he didn't even try to conceal how much he hated him.

"Have you got a problem?" He eventually came over to Christian to confront him. "You keep staring at me."

"Yes I've got a problem," Christian retorted. "I've got a problem with blokes who like to get off with other people's fiancé's."

"So you're Christian, then?" He smirked. "I have to say, you're exactly how I pictured you."

"And you look exactly like the home wrecker I pictured you to be."

"Don't be like that. Syed and me was just a bit of fun. I'm sure you can understand that, couldn't you"?

"Funnily enough, I can't"

"I can see why you're with him though, he is so good," Christian knew he was trying to get a reaction out of him. He tried to push his anger aside. "He's the best I've had in a long time."

"Yeah, well, you can't have been that good. He couldn't even tell me your name," Christian lied. He hadn't even asked Syed who the bloke was.

"Did he go back to you and beg for your forgiveness? Did he cry and say it would never happen again? Did you throw him out?"

"That's none of your business," Christian was seriously on the verge of punching this man.

"Did he tell you what happened, or couldn't he remember?"

"What?"

"It wouldn't surprise me if he couldn't remember."

"And why is that?"

"He wasn't even conscious," this shocked Christian to his very core. "Drugs tend to stop a person from saying no."

With that Christian lunged at him with all his force and pushed him to the ground. He managed to land a few good punches to him before he was pulled off by security.

"What are you doing?" Roxy cried.

"I'm going to kill him," Christian shouted.

"Get out of here," Roxy said to Matt, gesturing him to leave. Once he had gone, Roxy took Christian to one side to calm him down. "What was that all about?"

"He drugged Syed."

"What?"

"He drugged Syed and then took him home."

"So when Syed said he was feeling ill…"

"It was because he slipped him something. I need to see him. I need to tell him."

Christian left Roxy and rushed across the Square to Tanya's house. He had to compose himself before he knocked on the door.

"Christian," Tanya greeted. She knew why he was there.

"I need to Syed."

"You know what happened don't you?"

"I saw him… at the club… the scumbag told me everything."

"Be gentle with him, Christian. He's very fragile right now."

"I will be."

XXX

Syed was sitting on Tanya's sofa with tears in his eyes. It had just started to hit him and he was feeling very alone. Not even Tanya's attempts to comfort him had made him feel in the slightest bit better.

He heard Christian's voice at the door and his heart seized up. He couldn't make out the words but he sounded angry. He really wasn't in the mood for any further confrontations.

He heard the living room door open but he didn't look up. He couldn't face looking at Christian.

"Sy," Christian said, his voice conflicted and tortured.

"What do you want?" Syed asked tearfully. "I don't want to argue anymore."

"I'm not here to argue with you. I'm here to listen."

"What made you change your mind? You were hell bent on hating me before when you didn't know everything."

"And I was wrong. I'm ready to hear what you have to say."

"You know where I spent my day?" Syed said, his voice raised with anger. "I spent my day at the hospital being examined and prodded and told that someone had drugged me. I needed you there Christian. I needed you by my side to comfort me when the doctor told me I'd been sexually assaulted. I needed you to hold my hand when the police asked me endless questions. I needed you and you weren't there because you wouldn't listen."

"I'm sorry."

"Not only that but you hit me Christian. You actually hit me in the face. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

"I'm sorry."

"I don't want your apologies, I don't want your sympathies they're worthless anyway. I just want you out of this house and I want you to leave me alone," he shouted.

"I think it might be best if you left," Tanya interjected. She led Christian to the door. "Give him some time. It's a lot for him to deal with at the moment. Just let him know that you're there for him."

"I don't think he wants me to be there for him."

"He does, I know he does. I wouldn't have told him to come round if I thought he didn't. He'll come around eventually and when he does he'll need you more than ever."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: New chapter... Yet more angstiness :D  
><strong>

**Chapter Five**

"Did you sleep at all?" Tanya asked as she handed Syed a cup of tea. He looked terrible, his hair was dishevelled and unkempt and the bags under his eyes were significantly darker than day before.

"Not a wink," he admitted and took a sip of his tea.

"Sy, you need to sleep. You've been here for three days and you haven't slept at all."

"I can't, I just can't," Syed replied with tears forming in his eyes. "Every time I try to my mind just keeps going back to that night and I keep trying to remember what happened but I can't."

"Oh, sweetheart," Tanya hugged him sympathetically. "You'll remember in time but you're making yourself ill over this. You need sleep."

"I know and I'm so tired. Maybe a walk would help, the fresh air might help clear my head a bit."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I'll be okay on my own. I just need some time to think."

XXX

Syed wandered round the Square in a daze, not completely aware of what was going on. The day was bright and sunny, the complete opposite of how Syed was feeling. He needed to get away, he felt like he couldn't breathe. He wanted to do nothing more than run and never stop.

He didn't see Christian until he collided with him. He fell forward and would have fallen to the floor had Christian not grabbed him at the last second and held him up.

"Thanks," Syed said quietly.

"No problem," Christian replied feeling rather awkward at the close contact between him and Syed. They hadn't spoken since Syed had yelled at him the other night for not trusting him and being there when he needed him. Now Christian did not know what to say to him. "How are you?" He asked lamely and cringed inwardly at how pathetic the question sounded.

"That's a hard question to answer."

"It was a stupid question to ask."

"No it wasn't, you were just being concerned. I just don't know how to answer."

"Can we talk, Sy?"

"I don't know if that's such a good idea."

"Please, Sy."

"No, I can't do this right now," Syed told him. "I can't think about you and I can't think about what's happened because it's too much and if I think about everything gets confused and everything hurts and I'm so tired of everything and I don't know what I want anymore. I need time," Syed rambled.

"I understand. I was awful to you and I am truly sorry for that."

"I know you are but I don't know if I can forgive you yet."

Christian was taken aback by Syed's comment, it hurt to hear that even though he knew he deserved it. "Well, I'll be waiting if you decide you do want to talk."

"I know," Syed replied. "I'm going to go, I'm feeling a bit tired. I'm not sleeping very well."

"I understand."

"Thank you, though, for being so concerned," Syed said finally before he turned and hurried away back to Tanya's house. He closed the door behind him and slid to the ground, holding his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" He heard Tanya ask but he didn't look up.

"No. I saw Christian. It felt as though my heart was being ripped out all over again."

"I'm sorry sweetheart. What did he say?"

"That he was sorry."

"I'm sure he is," Tanya said as she slid down next to Syed. Syed rested his head on her shoulder.

"I don't know what to do, Tan. I miss him so much but I can't forgive him for not believing me."

"You just need time to think. For what it's worth, under the circumstances most people would react that way before they knew all the facts. I know I would have."

"Maybe I could forgive him for that but he hit me. How can I be sure that he won't do it again the next time he's angry with me."

"I know you've been through a lot the last few days but I do think your feelings are clouding everything. Christian worships the ground you walk on and I'm sure this was just a one off. He loves you."

"My head's just so confused right now. Everything I thought I knew and wanted has been turned upside down and now I don't know what I want anymore. I thought I wanted Christian and marriage and children but now I don't know. I just can't think anymore."

"Just give it some time."

"I need to get away for a bit, clear my head."

"You take as much time as you need."

"I might go and see some old friends in Leeds for a bit. Might help me sort everything out."

"Just don't take too long. I'll miss you," Tanya said as she wrapped her arm around Syed's shoulder and pulled him close.

"I'll miss you too. I'll make some calls and get something sorted."

"Well, when you get back you're more than welcome to stay here."

"Thanks Tan," Syed smiled slightly for the first time in days. "I think I'm going to try and get some sleep for a little while."

"Okay, you take as long as you need and I'll go and get something for lunch."

Syed stood up from the floor and walked wearily into the living room. Tanya looked at him sadly, he looked so small and sad it broke her heart to see him like this. She needed to get him to talk to Christian properly, he wouldn't be happy until they were back together. She was determined to get that to happen.

XXX

Christian sat on the sofa, hugging one of the stripy cushions looking dejected as Roxy sat next to him trying to cheer him up.

"I'm sure it's not that bad."

"He pretty much told me he didn't trust me anymore, Rox. I don't see how it could be much worse."

"He's just upset."

"And he has every right to be. I acted like an idiot and I didn't listen to him."

"You acted like anyone would."

"I should have listened to what he was saying. He tried to tell me but I was just so angry."

"You were just reacting like anyone would if they thought their partner had cheated on them."

"But he didn't cheat on me though."

"You didn't know that at the time."

"And now he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you, he's just angry at the situation."

"And I'm part of the situation."

Christian fell silent and broody as he tried to think of a way to make things right. He felt miserable and ashamed of his actions. All he wanted was for Syed to come home so they could work things out but it looked as though that was never going to happen.

He heard the buzzer go and went to get up and answer but Roxy beat him to it.

"I'll let them in on my way out."

"Thanks."

"It'll all be fine in the end, you'll see," Roxy gave Christian a reassuring smile and headed out.

Roxy was replaced a few seconds later by a worried looking Tanya.

"Christian, we need to talk."

XXX

_Everything was blurry, he couldn't see straight. His head was spinning round and round. He wanted to curl up and go to sleep until he felt better but he couldn't move. There was someone pressing down on top of him. He wanted to scream, to shout at them to stop and leave him alone but nothing came out of his mouth._

_He was trapped._

Syed woke with a start and had to run into the kitchen to throw up. After he heaved his guts up he sank to the floor and began to cry. He was beginning to remember and now he wished that he wasn't. He felt so sick at the thought of what that man had done to him, he thought he would never feel clean again.

He needed to get away from here now. He couldn't stay on the Square a second longer knowing what had happened. He didn't want to leave but it hurt too much to be there. He found some deep hidden strength and rushed into the living room, grabbing as many clothes as he could before he headed out of the door.

XXX

"He's leaving, Christian," Tanya told him. "He said he's going to go back to Leeds to stay with friends."

"What?" Christian couldn't quite comprehend what Tanya was telling him.

"He said he needed to get away to sort his head out."

"When's he going?"

"He didn't say. He just said he was going to call his friend and sort something out. You can't let him go like this, Christian. You need to talk to him."

"How? He won't listen to what I'm saying. I don't have the right to tell him to stay."

"Just try and make it right for him. Don't let him leave with all this bad feeling. He loves you, he just doesn't think he can trust you."

"And how am I supposed to get his trust back?"

"You're going to have to earn it back."

"What if it just isn't worth the effort?"

"You don't believe that, I know you don't. You were upset and that's understandable but I know you love Syed and you'd do anything to get him back."

"I need to stop him," Christian realised. "I need to stop him leaving."

"Then what are you waiting for."

Christian took off out of the flat and ran to Tanya's house with Tanya right behind him. Tanya unlocked the door and Christian rushed in. The house was empty.

"Syed?" Tanya called out but there was no response. "Are you here?" Still nothing.

"Tan, he's gone," Christian sighed, finding a note on the table. It read:

_I'm sorry but I can't stay. _

_Forgive me._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Little bit of a time skip here as I wanted to get Syed back on the Square. There will be flashbacks though :D  
><strong>

**Chapter Six**

_Two Months later_

Syed didn't know if this was the best idea. He had left to get away from it all and to sort his head out and now he was back and standing in front of that familiar blue door. He went to ring the buzzer but he hesitated. What if Christian didn't want to see him? Two months was a long time to go without any contact at all. He was terrified to see his former lover again but he knew he needed to do this. There had been so much miscommunication between then before he left but he needed to speak with Christian.

His friend in Leeds had told him he needed closure on the whole incident but Syed wasn't even sure that was what he wanted. That was one of the reasons he needed to see Christian. He needed to figure how he still felt about the man he had been engaged to.

He finally founded the courage he needed to press the buzzer. A few seconds later the door opened and Syed walked up the stairs to the flat he had once called his home. He pushed the door open and saw Christian standing there. He still looked amazing, a little tired but still the most gorgeous man on the planet. Syed felt his breath catch in the back of his throat. He suddenly felt completely unready to do this and he just wanted to turn and run. His legs wouldn't let him though so he simply stood there in a stunned silence.

"Syed," Christian gaped at the sight before him. He was not expecting this. "You're here?" He cringed at the pathetic thing he had just said. Of course Syed was here, he was standing right in front of him.

"Christian…" Syed started and then stopped, not knowing what to say next. "This is harder than I thought it would be," he told him as he tried to stop the tears from filling up in his eyes.

"Don't think I'm not glad to see you but what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you. I needed to talk to you but now that I'm here everything I wanted to say has just disappeared."

"Sit down," Christian said to him. "Would you like a cup of tea?"

"That would be nice," Syed replied as he moved to sit down on the sofa. He perched nervously on the end and waited for Christian to join him. "How are you?" He asked.

"I'm okay," Christian answered. "Yourself?"

"I'm better than I was."

"That's good."

"I remember almost all of that night now and I'm still not sure if that's a good thing."

"At least you know what happened. They still don't know where he is," Christian confirmed. "The police came to the club to get his details but they were all fake. He didn't even give Roxy his real name."

"And I wasn't much use was I? I couldn't even remember where I woke up."

"That's not your fault."

"Doesn't stop me feeling that way."

"How long since you started remembering?"

"About a month ago. It just started out as nightmares and feelings. I just remembered feeling so scared because I couldn't do anything. I remembered lying there and not having the strength to move. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. I remember feeling suffocated with him in top of me," Syed started to cry. "I just wanted you to tell me it was going to be okay."

"I am so sorry," Christian replied, tears forming in his eyes but he didn't wipe them away, he just let them fall.

"It's not your fault."

"It partly is. I pushed you away and I shouldn't have."

"You thought what anyone would think, it didn't look good. I even thought I cheated on you until I went to the hospital."

"I should've believed you. I was your partner, I should've given you the benefit of the doubt."

"It's easy to say that now, hindsight's twenty/twenty when you don't have all those emotions clouding your judgement. You were angry and you had every right to be given the circumstances. I was so mad at you for not believing me but I'm not anymore. I don't have the energy to be angry."

"How can you be so calm about it all? You were drugged and raped. I hit you," Christian's voice cracked when speaking the last sentence. He had actually hit Syed, something he would never be able to forgive himself over.

"Yes you did hit me and at the time I hated you for it but I couldn't stay angry at you because I know that deep down you didn't mean to do it. You were just lashing out because you were upset."

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a moment before Christian spoke up again.

"What are you going to do now? Are you staying in Walford?"

"I'm not sure yet. I haven't decided what I'm going to do."

"You staying with Tanya?"

"For the moment while I decide what I'm going to do."

"And what about us?"

"Please don't ask me that. I'm not ready to think about it yet. It was hard enough just coming to talk to you."

"I understand," Christian replied with a despondent tone in his voice. "I'll be waiting when you do want to talk about it."

"Maybe that's not such a good idea."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe we should just forget it and both try and move on with our lives."

"Because that'd be so easy. I don't want to move on from you, Syed. I love you and I still want to be with you."

Tears began falling down Syed's face again. This was the hardest thing he had ever done but he knew he had to do it for the both of them. "Neither of us are going to be happy."

"You don't know that."

"I haven't been happy for two months. I've forgotten what it feels like to smile and for it to be genuine. For two months I had to pretend to everyone in Leeds that I was fine, like I wasn't falling apart inside.

"You know, there was only one person I could talk to about everything and he told me that I would be better off just walking away and now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can live without you but I don't know if I can be with you," Syed admitted to Christian as he broke down into sobs. "I don't know anything anymore."

Christian moved next to Syed and wrapped his arms around his love. Syed melted into his embrace and allowed himself to be held by the larger man as he sobbed. They stayed like that for some time until Syed's sobs died down and they just sat together, holding each other as if their lives depended on the other.

"I'm sorry for breaking down like that," Syed croaked, his voice deep and broken.

"You don't have to be sorry, you've done nothing wrong. You never did anything wrong."

"I should go," Syed moved to stand up but Christian grabbed his hand to stop him.

"You don't have to go."

"I don't want to but I feel like I should."

"Stay Syed, stay. We can talk more."

"Okay," Syed said quietly and sat back down next to Christian.

"You said you were falling apart, have you talked to anyone about what happened? A professional I mean."

"I saw someone whilst I was in Leeds when I started to remember what happened. I only lasted two sessions."

"You could talk to me about it. If you wanted to that is."

"I don't know you're a little too close to all of this."

"You don't have to if you don't want to but if you need a friend then I'll be here for you."

"Can we be friends?"

"We were once."

"So much has happened though."

"I'm willing to try if you are."

Syed closed his eyes and thought about it for a moment. Maybe this was the best thing to do. Maybe they weren't meant to be together as a couple but just be friends. He didn't actually believe that but it was the best he could do to convince himself. "Okay," he eventually agreed. "Let's just be friends for now."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: There's another small time skip here, I just want to move the plot along a bit, as well as some flashbacks  
><strong>

**Chapter Seven**

_Leeds_

"I must admit I wasn't expecting to see you in Leeds again so soon," Dan said to Syed as he let him into his flat. "I thought you were too busy living the high life in London."

"I needed to get away for a while. Things aren't going so well," Syed replied, trying and failing to keep his emotions under control.

"Hey," Dan comforted as he led Syed to the sofa, "What's wrong?"

"Everything's wrong. I don't know where to start."

"Try the beginning."

"It's all gone wrong. I don't know how. I was so happy and now it's all gone wrong."

"Tell me what happened."

"I was drugged by some bloke in a club and he took me back to his place… He raped me."

"Oh my God, I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I just need somewhere to stay for a little while so I can sort my head out."

"Stay as long as you like."

XXX

_Present_

_Syed could feel him on top of him but he didn't have the strength to push him off. It hurt so much but he couldn't move, his head was swimming so much all he wanted was for this to end so he could welcome the sweet release of sleep._

XXX

Syed woke with a start. It took him a moment to realise where he was. He was lying on Christian's sofa, a blanket draped over him. He had been back in Walford for a month now and had been slowly rebuilding his relationship with Christian.

It had been difficult at first, Syed was so wary around his former partner that it had been very uncomfortable at first. However, Christian had been nothing but completely understanding and they had both fallen into a comfortable routine of meeting up and hanging out.

"Are you okay? You were screaming," Christian asked, sounding extremely worried.

"Just a nightmare. I have them a lot," Syed tried to reassure him but he couldn't even convince himself. "How long was I asleep?"

"About an hour. I didn't want to wake you."

"Thanks, for everything. I really should get going. I don't want to outstay my welcome."

"You could never do that."

"Thanks again," Syed repeated as he headed out the door.

He didn't know how to feel. One part of him was relieved that things with Christian had gone well but it was rapidly being overpowered by the constant state of depression that had overcome him for the last few months. He hadn't been completely honest to Christian about what had happens while he had been in Leeds. He wasn't ready to tell anyone about that.

He unconsciously rubbed his arm as he thought about his time in Leeds. He hadn't lied when he had told Christian he had spoken to a psychiatrist but he had failed to mention the circumstances in which he had seen the psychiatrist.

"Hey," Tanya greeted him as he returned to her house. "How are things with Christian?"

"They're okay, as well as to be expected I suppose."

"Did you talk?"

"We always talk. We don't do anything but talk."

"How do you think things will turn out?"

"I don't know. There's still so much I haven't talked to him about because I don't know how to tell him."

"You'll find the words eventually."

"I don't know. I still haven't decided if I'm staying yet. I said to myself I'd give it a month but I still don't know. It just feels like there are too many bad memories here."

"I really think you should stay and I'm not just saying that because you're my friend and I miss having you at work but you need to be around people who love you."

"Yeah, this place is so full of love. Almost all of the bad things that have ever happened to me have happened whilst I've lived here. My parents won't speak to me, my relationship was destroyed. All I can think of are tears."

"But what about the happy moments too? You were so happy before, when you were with Christian."

"Too many bad things have happened. I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel anymore. All I see is pain and suffering and I just want it to be over."

"Syed, what are you talking about?" Tanya felt very concerned for her friend. His tone was very sad and Tanya began to wonder what had happened in the last couple of months. "Did something happen in Leeds?" Syed didn't answer her question and she knew that something was wrong. "Tell me," she pushed.

"I tried to kill myself."

XXX

_Leeds, Three months ago_

It was so hard. Just waking up in the morning made Syed want to die. During the day his mind constantly spun around and around as he tried to remember what had happened and the nights were plagued with nightmares of an event his conscious mind couldn't remember. Every day he would wake up feeling more depressed than the last and he had no-one he could talk to about it. A spiralling cloud of depression had settled on him and he couldn't see a way out.

He had toyed with the idea of suicide several times since he had left Albert Square. It wasn't like the last time when he had only tried to kill himself out of desperation, a spur of the moment decision brought on by too much alcohol and a bad conversation with Roxy. This time it was a deep rooted desire that would not go away. He began to pray more often in an effort to stop these feelings but they grew stronger day after day until it was the only thing he could think of. Several times he caught himself playing with the blade of a knife and he thought of how it would feel if he were to pierce his skin with it.

The day he tried to kill himself was just an ordinary day. It was cool outside, but not cold and it was drizzling, they grey clouds matching Syed's mood perfectly. He'd had a bad night, the memories of his attack were flooding back thick and fast now and it only made Syed more and more depressed. He crawled out of bed to find that Dan had already left for work. It was so hard. Even just getting up in the morning took more energy than Syed had. He cried all the time and nothing he did could make him feel any better.

He headed towards the kitchen intending to make himself a cup of coffee but once he opened the cutlery drawer he found himself drawn to the sharp knife lying there. In a daze, he made his way back into the living room and sat down on the sofa. He laid the knife on the coffee table in front of him and stared at it intently, subconsciously deciding whether or not to use it. Syed lifted the knife and placed the cold blade against his skin. He rested it there for a moment before pressing the blade down and a drop of blood emerged from under the blade. He swallowed all of his pain and fear and drew the blade up his wrist.

XXX

"Oh my God," Tanya gasped.

Syed lifted the sleeve of his shirt to show her the scar. "I ended up in hospital on suicide watch. The psychiatrist tried to talk to me but I wouldn't. It was then I decided to come back."

"And how are you now?"

"Are you worried you're going to come home one day and find I've topped myself on your sofa? Don't worry," Syed reassured, "I don't feel like killing myself anymore. I'm still not back to my old self but I'm not suicidal either."

"I'm here for you, you know that right?"

"I know you are and I'm glad of that."

"But?"

Syed sighed, "But it's going to take a lot more than that to get over this. I don't know how to get over this."

"I think the only way you can get over this is to talk to someone."

"That or finding the bloke who did this and seeing him in prison."

"I think the talking might be easier."

"The vindictive part of me doesn't agree."

They both sat in silence for several minutes. Syed welcomed the silence. He had spent so much time talking since he had returned that he had begun hating the sound of his own voice. It felt good to just sit there and not say a word.

There was still one thing on his mind. Christian. No matter how hard he tried to stop thinking about him it was impossible.

"I still love him," he eventually said to Tanya.

"What?"

"Christian. I still love him. I can't stop. He's the reason I'm not dead right now. When I was in the hospital and I didn't want to live anymore I would think of him and just for a moment everything became a little bit more bearable."

"Is that why you really came back? To see him again?"

"I don't know. I don't know what I think anymore. The only thing I do know is that I love him and I'm never going to stop."

"Then I think you have your answer," Tanya smiled and Syed felt himself smile for what seemed like the first time in years. "That's a better look on you."

"What do I do?"

"You tell Christian you still love him and then you make up with him."

"It's that simple?"

"Well, you make him work for it first. You know, fancy dinners, romantic walks and all that," Syed laughed a little at Tanya's joke.

"But I don't know if I'm ready for that yet."

"Then take it slow."

"We agreed to be friends."

"That's a start isn't it?"

"I don't want to be just friends with him though. Every time I go near him I want to kiss him. I just terrified of being intimate with him."

"He'll understand, he loves you. Just tell him how you're feeling."

"That terrifies me more than anything."

"You'll regret it if you don't."

"You're right," Syed sighed.

"Then go over there and tell him."

XXX

Syed found himself standing outside Christian's flat for the second time that day. He still had that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach but it was for a different reason this time.

"Syed?" Christian said in surprise. "I wasn't expecting to see you again today."

Syed stood there in silence. "Are you okay? You look like you're gonna throw up."

"Do you still love me?" Syed asked quietly.

"Sorry?"

"Do you still love me?" Syed asked again, louder this time.

"Why are you asking?"

"I need to know, it's important."

"Of course I do, I never stopped loving you. I never will stop loving you. What's the importance?"

"I never stopped loving you either. Even when I hated you and even when I was mad at you I still loved you. I don't know what I want but all I know is that I can't stop loving you. It hurts to be away from you. You're all I think about when my head's not clouded by this black fog. You're the only reason I'm still here."

"What are you saying?"

"I want you so much but I am so scared."

"Scared of what?"

"Scared of you… scared of me… scared of everything that's happened and everything that might happen. When I'm near you I want to kiss you but then I get scared of being intimate because I'm not even slightly ready for that."

"I understand. Let me know when you are ready and we'll talk again," Christian felt slightly disappointed and bitter even though he knew he should be more understanding which made him feel guilty."

"You're not understanding what I'm saying."

"I'm not?" Now Christian was confused.

"No. I'm not saying I'm not ready to be with you, I'm just not ready to sleep with you."

"Oh."

Syed stepped closer to Christian and kissed him gently on the lips. The kiss was quick but heartfelt. "That felt so good," Syed smiled as he pulled away.

"I missed you so much," Christian whispered, pulling Syed into a gentle but firm hug. "I'm not letting you go ever again."

"I missed you too."

"How do you want to do this? How is it going to work?"

"I need to go slow with this. I need to remember how wonderful it is to be in love and to make love to the most perfect man in the world. I need you to help me remember."

"I can do that."

"Thank you," Syed whispered and allowed Christian to kiss him.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: New chapter time. I've been working a lot recently so I'm a bit behind but I only have one more chapter to write (there's 12 in total) so the story will be finished very soon.**

**Hope you all like x  
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**Chapter Eight**

They had stayed up half the night just sitting on the sofa, Christian's arms wrapped tightly around Syed as they talked until they had eventually fallen asleep curled up in each other's arms.

"As romantic as that was I'm stiff as a board now," Christian joked as he stretched his muscles.

"I'll skip the obvious jokes there," Syed smiled shyly.

"Do you want some breakfast? I'm sure I can rustle something up."

"That would be nice."

"How about eggs?" Christian asked as he bounded over to the fridge.

"That would be great. Do you mind if I use your shower?"

"Of course not, go right ahead."

Syed headed for the bathroom and shut the door before he let out a huge sigh. It had been a huge step for him to stay with Christian and no matter how happy he felt at spending the night in arms of the man he loved there was still a part of him that felt uncomfortable with the physical contact. Putting all his nervous feelings to one side, he turned the shower on.

He couldn't help but notice the scar on his arm. It was always going to be there as a reminder. He still hadn't told Christian and he knew he would have to at some point but he just wasn't ready. He didn't know if he ever would be.

XXX

Syed had to smile as he came out of the bathroom and heard Christian singing happily. Even though he had yet to reach the living area, he could just imagine Christian dancing around as he cooked. Syed loved that about him. He was always so open about his sexuality and always loved to show off.

"Nothing's changed much then," Syed leaned against the wall and grinned.

"I can't help it if I'm a little bit happy."

"I like it when you're happy."

"Sit down and eat your eggs," Christian pulled the chair out for Syed and placed a plate in front of him. "I was thinking," Christian broached as he sat down next to Syed.

"Always a dangerous sign," Syed replied.

"Very funny," Christian laughed. "Anyway, I was thinking that maybe I could take you out."

"Take me out?"

"Yeah, on a date."

"A date?"

"Are you going to repeat everything I say?"

"Why do you want to take me out on a date? We've never done that before."

"Yes and as you said you want to take things slow. Therefore, a date is the perfect way to start over and make this a brand new relationship."

"Not sure I get your logic but I'll go ahead with it."

"Good, then how about tonight?"

"I suppose that would be okay."

XXX

"He asked you out?" Tanya exclaimed with joy. "Oh my God."

"Yeah," Syed gave a coy smile.

"This is so great. Where is he taking you?"

"I don't know, he wants to surprise me. All he said was that I had to dress smart."

"And how do you feel about this?"

"Nervous… Excited. We've never really done the whole "dating" thing before. We went from affair to relationship and nothing in between."

"But you both know you already love each other so that has to make it a little easier."

"I guess. I just don't know what to expect."

XXX

"Syed's kissed you? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It only happened last night, Rox. He came to talk and then he kissed me."

"And what did he have to say for himself?"

"We decided that we were going to give things another try. But we were going to take things slowly."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Yes I am okay with that because I want him back."

"Just be careful."

"I will be careful. I don't want to scare him away."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know what you meant, Rox, but it's not me that needs to be careful. Syed's been through so much and I don't want him to get hurt anymore. I was one of the reasons."

"You can't blame yourself forever," Roxy tried to comfort Christian as a downcast expression fell across his face.

"Maybe not forever but definitely for the foreseeable future."

XXX

"Does this look okay?" Syed asked Tanya. He'd been debating what to wear for what seemed like an eternity but he couldn't decide on an outfit choice. He wondered why he was feeling so nervous, it wasn't like he and Christian hadn't been out before. Of course, they had been in a relationship at the time but this was really no different.

"It looks lovely," Tanya replied. She'd been trying to help him pick out an outfit. "You do know you're worse than me when it comes to getting dressed to go out."

"I just want to look right. I want to look good."

"Syed, you could go out dressed in sackcloth and ashes and still look good. Christian won't care what you look like, he loves you."

"I know. I don't know why but I just want everything to be perfect."

"Stop trying to control the situation and just go with it. You'll have fun, don't worry."

"Thanks for reassuring me," Syed said as he heard the doorbell ring.

"That'll be him," Tanya grinned and rushed to the front door. A moment later Christian entered the living room.

"You look great," he smiled at Syed. Syed was wearing a long sleeved black shirt and a pair of black trousers.

"Really?"

"Really."

"You don't look so bad yourself," Syed pointed to Christian's outfit, a pale blue shirt and black trousers. "So where are we going?"

"I'm not going to spoil the surprise. Come on, there's a taxi outside waiting for us."

XXX

"This is lovely," Syed told Christian. He had taken them to a small restaurant by the river. "How did you find this place?"

"I know a lot of nice places. Maybe we could go to a few more."

"That would be nice."

"How are you feeling? You're not too uncomfortable are you?"

"No, I feel good. I was a little nervous before but this is nice. I'm actually enjoying myself."

"You sure? We could leave if you wanted to."

"I really am fine. I like it here and I like being here with you. It feels good to just go out and relax a bit."

"Really?"

"Really. I spent two months basically cooped up in my friend's flat feeling really, really depressed. I'm not saying I'm better and I'm not saying that this isn't an extremely hard thing to do but I am enjoying being out with you. It feels right."

"I'm glad. I was really nervous about taking you out."

"I can't believe that Christian Clarke would be so nervous about going out with someone!" Syed exclaimed with a cheeky grin on his face.

"I just didn't know what to expect."

"What do you mean?"

"I wasn't sure how you would react. I'm sorry this is coming out all wrong."

"You thought I'd be quiet."

"Well, yeah, sort of."

Syed smiled. "I'm not going to fall apart. I've done that so much over the last couple of months. Now, I'm just trying to get back to normal and that means doing normal things like go to dinner."

Christian hesitantly reached out and took Syed's hand in his. Syed responded and entwined his fingers with Christian's. It felt good, comfortable and it made Syed never want to let go.

"How about we go for a walk, it's a nice night?" Christian suggested.

"That sounds nice," Syed replied.

Christian took Syed's hand in his as they walked out of the restaurant. Syed didn't pull away, instead he enjoyed the feeling of Christian's warm palm against his. It felt good. It felt right. In that moment Syed felt all the bad melt away until all that was left was the pure love he felt towards Christian. He looked at Christian and smiled.

"You look happy," Christian observed.

"I feel happy. You make me feel happy," Syed told him and Christian took the opportunity to pull Syed into a hug. Syed laughed and kissed Christian softly on the lips. "I love you," he whispered.

Syed just caught something in the corner of his eye but it was enough to make his blood run cold. It was him. He was right there in Syed's eye line and he instantly felt sick. The happy feeling he's had moments before disappeared and he pushed Christian away.

"Syed?" Christian was confused by Syed's sudden change in demeanour.

"I need to go. I can't stay here," Syed turned around and started to quickly leave.

"Sy, what's wrong?" Christian called out but Syed didn't respond. He quickened his pace until Christian was left standing on his own completely confused.

XXX

Syed shut the door of Tanya's house and ran upstairs into the bathroom, only just making it before he threw up everything he had eaten earlier.

"Syed?" He heard Tanya's voice in the doorway. "Are you okay?" She sounded concerned and a moment later he felt her hand rubbing comforting circles on his back. "What happened?"

"I saw him," Syed gasped before heaving into the bowl again.

"Saw who?" Tanya asked before she realised who Syed was talking about. "We should call the police, he might still be there."

"Don't, just leave it. There's no point."

"But they might be able to catch him."

"They won't. He doesn't want to be caught so they won't find him," Syed cried. "He's always going to be there. No matter what I do or how hard I try to move on I'm never going to be free of him. I wish I had died."

"Don't say that," Tanya said. "Don't ever wish you were dead. You have people who care about you and love you so don't ever think that you have to go through this alone."

"I know, I'm sorry," Syed said, his voice cracking with emotion. "This is just a lot harder than I ever thought."

"It's not going to be easy but you've got me and you've got Christian."

"Christian! I just left him. I should phone him and make sure he's okay."

"I'll call him for you."

"No, I should do it. I need to speak with him anyway."

XXX

_It made him smile to see how much he had scared Syed, he liked how much power he had over the man. Just one glimpse of him and Syed was running away in terror._

_It was going exactly how he planned it. Sure it was taking a long time, but he knew in the end it would be worth it. He was determined to have Syed as his own and it didn't matter how long it took, he would have him._

_Syed didn't know it but he had been following him the entire time since that night. He had followed him all the way to Leeds and back, watching him and waiting. It wasn't the perfect time yet but it soon would be._


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Just a short chapter to make everything all right before the next bout of angstiness begins.  
><strong>

**Chapter Nine**

"Are you okay? You just ran off last night," Christian asked Syed when Tanya let him in the next morning. Syed was sitting on the couch looking upset. He hadn't slept a wink and it showed in his eyes.

"I'm sorry I ran off."

"I'm not angry, I'm just confused. Really, are you okay? You look like you haven't slept."

"I saw him."

"Saw who?"

"Matt or whatever his name is. I saw him," Syed saw Christian visibly tense up at what he was saying.

"Did you call the police?"

"Tanya did. They took the details but I'm not holding out much hope."

"Oh Sy," Christian sighed. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Not really. I could do with a hug though."

"I can manage that," Christian smiled sadly as he wrapped his arms around Syed's frail form. Syed closed his eyes and breathed in Christian's scent. It made him feel safe and secure, like nothing bad could happen while he was being held by the older man.

"You know, the only decent night's sleep I've had was the other night at your place."

"Really?"

"For the first time I didn't have any nightmares."

"Maybe you should stay over more often," Christian joked. Syed tensed and pulled away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"I know, I'm just not even ready to think about it never mind talk about it."

"I understand and I'm not going to pressure you. It was just a joke," he reached out and rested his arm on Syed's wrist. Syed pulled it back as if he had been burned. "Sy, I said no pressure and I meant it."

"It's not that," Syed admitted, knowing he now had to tell Christian.

"Then what is it?"

Syed sat there in silence for a moment trying to figure out what to say. In the end he decided it would be better just to show Christian. He lifted his sleeve and revealed the scar.

"What?" Christian felt confused again.

"When I was in Leeds, I tried to kill myself," Syed explained. "I was feeling very depressed and I thought there was no way I was ever going to feel better so one day when my friend went to work I cut my wrists."

"Oh God."

"I'm okay now. No, I mean I'm not okay but I'm doing better. I'm still depressed but I'm not suicidal. Coming back here and seeing you helped me a lot."

"I still don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. It was a moment of madness and I'm not going to try it again."

"Is that why you saw the counsellor?"

"Yes but I couldn't really talk to him. I couldn't even figure anything out in my own head never mind tell anyone about it. So I left Leeds and came back here. To see you. To talk to you and I'm very glad I did."

"I'm glad you did too. You can talk to me about anything."

"I know I can and that makes it all so much easier."

Christian held his arms out and hugged Syed once more, Syed melting into his embrace. "I love you," he whispered in the younger man's ear.

"I love you too," Syed replied and closed his eyes, allowing himself to lose himself in Christian's strong arms.

XXX

Syed quickly fell asleep, he had been exhausted, and Christian didn't want to disturb him so he just sat holding Syed as he slept. He enjoyed listening to the soft sound of Syed's breathing. He had missed this so much while Syed had been away, it felt like a part of him had been missing all that time.

"I don't know if you can hear me," he said softly to the sleeping Syed, "But I missed you more than you could ever know. I am so sorry about what I did and said, I should have trusted you and listened to what you were trying to tell me but I didn't. I went off at the deep end and I am never going to forgive myself for doing that.

"While you were away I was in a pretty bad state. You left so suddenly and all I wanted to do was drown my sorrows. I think I spent more nights drunk than sober, anything to fill the void. It got to the point where Roxy was telling me I was drinking too much so you can probably guess how bad I was."

Syed stirred in Christian's arms but didn't wake up. "I am never going to let you go ever again, I promise you. I don't care how long it takes I am going to stand by you and I am going to love you until the day I die. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I was such an idiot. I love you Sy."

Christian sat on the sofa and happily held Syed as he slept, the younger man's warmth seeping into every bone and muscle in his body until he felt himself falling asleep too.

Tanya returned and found the pair of them curled up together on the sofa and she smiled. They looked so comfortable and peaceful together, she didn't want to wake either of them up so she quietly made her way to the kitchen.

A few minutes later she was joined by Christian. "I thought you were asleep, I didn't want to wake you," she told him.

"Just woke up. Syed's exhausted though."

"I'm not surprised, he didn't sleep a wink last night. I woke up at about 3 and I heard him crying."

"I wish there was more I could do for him."

"Just be there, that's all he really wants."

"I'm never leaving him again."

"Good, 'cos I was gonna say the next time you hurt him I will kill you."

"I don't doubt that for a second," Christian grinned. "I'd better get back in case Sy wakes up. I don't want him to think he's on his own."

Christian made his way back to the living room to find Syed sitting up on the sofa, sleepily rubbing his eyes. "How are you?" He asked.

"You don't need to ask me that every time you see me," Syed replied.

"I'm sorry."

"No I am, I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I'm just tired of people thinking I'm going to fall apart."

"I know you're not going to fall apart, Sy. You're the strongest person I've ever met," Christian sat down on the sofa next to Syed and kissed him softly. "And that's one of the reasons I love you."

XXX

_He had been watching them all day, following their every move and he knew that it was almost time to strike. He wanted Syed but he also wanted to hurt him for what he had done. How could Syed not know? He loved and hated the man in equal measure and he wanted to make Syed hurt and suffer as much as Syed had hurt him. _

_He knew that Syed loved Christian and that's where his best bet lay. The way to get to Syed was to get Christian first as that would hurt him more than anything. He grinned as he thought of all the things he could do to Christian to make Syed hurt. This was going to be so much fun._


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I am uploading the last three chapters in one go so I can get this finished tonight. **

**This is where it gets soap-y. Hopefully good soap-y and not bad soap-y  
><strong>

**Chapter Ten**

Christian had arranged to meet Syed in the park so they could spend the day together. After the slight hitch after dinner the other night things were finally starting to go well for them. Christian was enjoying Syed's company and he was fairly certain Syed felt the same way.

It was very different this time round. Their relationship had been changed by everything that had happened. Syed was no longer confident in anything he did, especially with Christian but Christian was determined to patiently wait until Syed was ready before he tried to move any further. He knew that Syed simply wasn't ready for it.

He had tried on a million shirts but none of them looked right. He wondered when he became this nervous before going out, he certainly had never felt it before. Maybe it was because he wanted everything with Syed to be perfect. He picked up a plain t-shirt and felt it looked the most appropriate for the day out. He pulled it over his well toned chest and grabbed his keys, stuffing them in his pocket as he headed out.

Christian was surprised to be pushed back into the flat and shoved hard, face first against the wall. He hadn't even had the opportunity to see who this person was. He struggled against him but he was held firm.

"Don't even think about trying to escape," the man growled. "You try and I will shoot you dead," he poked Christian in the ribs with the gun he was holding to show he wasn't joking. "Now, listen to me very carefully. I am going to let you go for a moment and you are going to sit down in that chair so I can tie you up."

"What do you want?" Christian gasped.

"Shut up," the man yelled and forced Christian to sit down in the chair. He grabbed a roll of duct tape from his pocket and secured Christian to the chair. "You can't hit me now can you?"

Christian realised who it was. It was the man who haunted Syed's dreams every night, the one who had torn him apart and left him a shell of the man he had once been. Christian wanted to kill him.

"Let me go," he shouted in anger as he struggled against the tape but it was no use, he was tied tightly and efficiently.

"I am going to hurt you in ways you cannot possibly imagine," he ignored Christian. "I will make you suffer."

"What, you're gonna hurt me like you hurt Syed? I'll kill you first."

"You're not really in a position to do anything of the sort, are you? But no, in answer to your question, I am not going to hurt you like I hurt Syed. I am going to hurt you _to _hurt Syed. You're the most important person in his life and if I hurt you then I can hurt him."

"Haven't you already done that enough?"

He laughed mirthlessly. "After what Syed did to me I want to hurt him in every way I possibly can."

"What did he do?"

"That's something to discuss when Syed gets here."

XXX

Syed sat on a bench in the park for what seemed like an eternity waiting for Christian but he never arrived and now Syed was starting to feel down once more. He thought that things had been going so well with Christian but that obviously wasn't the case if he had stood him up. Yet, there was a part of him that simply thought that Christian was just running late and that he'd be there any moment and that was the part of Syed's mind that won the argument. Christian had probably just been held up somewhere so Syed continued to wait.

He pulled his phone out of his jacket and dialled Christian's number. After a few rings there was an answer.

"Christian, where are you? We were supposed to meet an hour ago."

"_I'm running late can you meet me at the flat and we'll go out from there?"_

Syed missed the stilted tone of Christian's voice so he didn't notice that anything was wrong. "Sure, I can. I'll be there soon."

"_Great, I'll see you in a bit."_

"Bye," Syed smiled and jumped up from the bench, heading towards Christian's flat.

XXX

"He's on his way," Christian said miserably.

"Good, all will be revealed soon, just hang on a little longer."

"I will kill you for this," Christian warned.

"Now, now don't be so melodramatic. Besides, by the time you are free I will be long gone. And so will Syed."

"What are you going to do with him?" Christian asked as he heard the buzzer.

"He's here, you'll soon find out," he buzzed Syed in and opened the door in preparation for his arrival.

"Christian," he heard Syed calling up the stairs. He wanted to call out and warn him but a warning look stopped him.

"One word and I will kill him."

"Christian, are you ready?" Syed arrived at the door, his grin quickly turning to horror when he saw who else was in the flat. "No," he gasped.

"Syed, nice of you to join us," he grinned maliciously. His plan was starting to come together. "Why don't you take a seat?" He gestured towards a chair.

Syed didn't move from his spot. "What do you want?" He asked in a small, scared voice.

"I want you to sit down," he said forcefully and grabbed Syed, pulling him harshly down into the chair. He tied Syed's hands behind his back. "That's better. It's time we all had a little chat."

"What about?" Christian growled.

"About Syed."

"What about me?"

"Do you know who I am?" He asked.

"You're the man who drugged and raped me," Syed replied, trying to hold the tears back.

"Yes, I am that but I am also so much more. Don't say you don't remember me, Syed."

"I don't remember you. I have no idea who you are."

"Oh Syed, you disappoint me. You can't tell me I meant so little to you that you can't even remember me."

"I remember what you did."

"It's a small consolation to know that you will never, ever forget me again."

"Again?"

"We've met before. You wanted me, practically begged me to have you and you were good, so good," he leaned in and kissed Syed on the lips. Syed recoiled in horror. "But then you left," he sneered. "Left in the middle of the night and didn't even say goodbye."

Syed's face dropped in horror as he realised.

XXX

_The feelings just would not go away. No matter how much he prayed the attraction was there. There were times when it became too much to bear and he would then seek to find some comfort. It had happened twice now and after each time he had felt even worse than before he had done it. But the feelings were still there._

_They barely spoke before he went home with him, it was purely physical. Afterwards he felt the shame wash over him once more. He left as soon as the other man had fallen asleep, running through the streets; relishing the burning of his lungs. It was just what a sinner deserved._

XXX

"I don't understand," Christian said, breaking the heavy silence which had fallen on the room.

"Why don't you tell him, Syed?"

Syed sobbed for a moment before he could compose himself enough to speak. "Do you remember that day in the Unit and you asked me if there had been any others?"

"Yeah, you said four."

"He was one of them," Syed sadly told him.

"And you forgot. You don't even know my name, you never asked me for it."

"I'm sorry."

"You used me and then you left."

"I'm sorry."

"So, you did this for revenge?" Christian asked, his anger rising. He wanted to kill this man.

"I wanted to make Syed hurt as much as he hurt me. I wanted to see him suffer."

"But…?" Christian said.

"Very perceptive of you, Christian," he grinned. "Things changed. I saw him again and I realised that I still wanted him. He has this way of making you addicted to him so you want to have him. You should know all about that Christian."

"What are you going to do now?" Syed asked quietly.

"This is the way it's going to be. You and I are going to leave together. You will live with me and you will not contact him again."

"No!" Christian yelled.

"You don't get a say in the matter."

"What if I don't go with you?" Syed asked.

"Then I will kill him," he pointed his gun at Christian. "I will shoot him dead and you can watch bleed."

"No," Syed gasped. "I'll go with you, just don't hurt him."

Syed felt his hands being released and he stood up from the chair. "I'll go with you but let me say goodbye first."

"Okay."

Syed reached for the scissors and removed the duct tape from Christian's arms. He pulled him close and held him tight. "I love you," Syed wept.

"I know, I love you too."

"Please don't do anything to make him angry. Don't try to find me, I don't want you to get hurt."

"You can't ask me to do that."

"You have to. I couldn't live with myself if you got hurt. Promise me."

"Ok, I won't look for you."

"Times up," Syed heard a voice behind him and he felt his heart break.

"Goodbye," he whispered and kissed Christian softly on the lips, wishing the moment could last forever. He stood up and turned away so Christian could not see him cry.

"Come on," he said and Syed followed him out of the flat.

Christian sat in stunned silence before he crumbled. He started to cry and he didn't know if he could stop. His heart shattered in two as he watched Syed leave the flat. He rushed to the window and saw Syed disappear into the distance. He desperately wanted to run after Syed, stop all this from happening but he had promised Syed he wouldn't. Instead, he collapsed to the floor and sobbed.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

"Tell me your name," Syed said quietly. "You never told me your name."

He was terrified, he had never been so scared in all his life. He didn't know where he had been taken but he had been tied to a chair ever since they had arrived so he didn't try to escape. He felt sick to his stomach and his breath came out in shallow bursts. He wanted to be free from his bonds but he was tied to tight.

"It's Gareth," he replied, his voice calm and even. He was composed whereas Syed was on the verge on a panic attack.

"Why are you doing this?" Syed asked, his voice shaky and his eyes full of tears. "Please just let me go."

"I wanted to hurt you," Gareth replied. "I wanted to hurt you because you hurt me so much."

"I barely knew you."

"That was enough. But you left without so much of a word. You took what you wanted and to hell with the bloke you left behind."

"I'm sorry for that. I was a different person back then. I was so ashamed of who I was that I couldn't face up to things and you're one of the people who got caught up in my self-loathing."

"I wanted to hate you for what you did."

"So you drugged and raped me?"

"Then I realised that I still wanted you. You are a fascinating man, Syed, and I want you to be mine."

"Did you ever consider that I might not want to be yours?"

"You came with me, didn't you?"

"Only so you wouldn't hurt Christian."

"You're never going to see him again. If you do then I'll kill him."

"I'll do anything you want as long as you don't hurt him. He means more to me than anything. Promise me you won't hurt him."

"I'm not going to promise you anything," Gareth smirked. "We're doing this my way and you're in no position to ask me to do anything."

"Please," Syed begged. "I said I'd go with you and I did. I just want Christian to be safe."

"I'm still not making any promises but I'll leave him for the moment. If you try to escape then I will kill him and I will make you watch, understand?" Syed nodded silently. "Good. Now, I have to go out for a bit so I want you to sit here and wait for me to come back."

Syed sobbed silently as Gareth left and slammed the door shut behind him. He felt so alone. No-one knew where he was so there was no-one to find him, not even Christian. He'd never felt so alone in all his life.

He knew he had to get out of there. He moved his wrists hoping the ropes that bound him would loosen but they were tied tight. He manoeuvred his fingers so they rested against the knot and he started to work it desperately until it loosened.

"I just want to go home," he cried.

XXX

Christian sat on the sofa staring blankly into space. He didn't pay any attention to Roxy who was sitting next to him trying to comfort him. He had been like that for almost all of the two days since Syed had been taken and he hadn't slept a wink in that time.

"Christian," he Roxy say but he didn't respond. He could only think of Syed. He had only just got him back and now he was gone again. Christian's heart ached as he tried desperately not to cry. Syed needed him to be strong but he didn't feel that way. He felt small and helpless, like a child. "Christian," he heard again, this time the voice bringing him back to the present.

"What?" He said miserably as he rubbed his face with his hand. It was wet, he'd been crying again.

"Are you going to tell me what's happened or are you just going to sit there and cry like you have for the last two days?"

Christian hadn't told Roxy about what had happened to Syed out of fear of what might happen. He knew she would tell him to call the police but he wasn't going to do that. Syed had told him not to do anything and he was going to keep that promise he had made to him. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if anything happened to Syed.

"Syed's gone," Christian whispered.

"Gone? Gone where?"

"I don't know," he replied, his voice quiet but desperate. He just wanted Roxy to drop it.

"Oh that's just great, he's gone and buggered off again and left you in pieces."

"It's not like that," Christian tried to defend Syed but Roxy wouldn't listen.

"Honestly, I don't know why you even took him back, he's done nothing but hurt you over and over again. You need to move on, Christian."

"Don't say that."

"Why not, you need to hear it? You're a mess and it's all his fault, yet again."

"He didn't want to leave," Christian snapped. "He didn't have a choice."

"Everyone has a choice, Christian and he chose to leave."

"No he didn't. He didn't want to go but he had to."

"You don't make any sense."

"I can't explain, I promised I wouldn't tell anyone."

"You can tell me."

"If I tell you then you'll tell me to call the police and that would hurt Syed. I can't have him hurt, I love him too much to hurt him again."

"You're still not making any sense."

"I can't go into any more detail. I just want to sit here and wallow so you can either let me do that or leave."

Roxy leaned over and gave her best friend a hug. "I have no idea what you're on about but I hate seeing you so sad."

"Thanks babe," Christian sighed as he felt fresh tears pouring down his face. He just wanted Syed back in his arms.

He just wanted Syed to come home.

XXX

It had taken three hours but the knot was finally starting to loosen. Syed breathed a huge sigh of relief as he continued working the knot until it was loose enough for him to slip it off his wrists. He thought he was going to cry with happiness as he rubbed his raw wrists which were bleeding slightly. He could escape. He could go to the police and be back with Christian within a matter of hours.

However, fate was not one his side. He heard the click of the lock signalling that Gareth had returned and he felt his heart sink. He quickly retied a knot into the rope and loosely wrapped it around his wrists to give the illusion of being tied up. He was getting out of there today no matter what.

"How are you feeling?" Gareth asked. "Have you calmed down?"

"Leave me alone," Syed hissed.

"Now, now, no need to be so angry with me. I'm just trying my best here."

"Your best? You drug me, you rape me and then you kidnap me, that's doing your best is it? I'd hate to see your worst."

"Now you listen to me," Gareth hissed as he got right up into Syed's face. "You are going to do things my way or you will suffer the consequences."

"Am I supposed to be scared of you? I spent so long being terrified of you because of what you did. I had nightmares for months afterwards where you would find me and kill me. I even tried to kill myself because I couldn't bear to live a second longer with the pain and the hurt you caused. But not I know you're not worth it. You never were. You're just a sad and pathetic man who can't let go of the past. A man who can't just accept a one night stand and so he has to resort to rape to get his kicks. You're pitiable."

"Is that what you really think?"

"Yes it is. I wasted months being apart from Christian, not even able to let him touch me because of you and I'm done because if I let it go on that means you've won and I'm not going to let you win."

Syed's head snapped back as he felt Gareth's hand connect with his face. "You'll pay for this," he snarled and Syed knew this was his last chance to make a move.

He let the rope drop to the floor and launched himself at Gareth, knocking both of them to the ground. He scrambled to his feet and tried to run but he only made it as far as the kitchen before he began to feel himself crash back to the floor with a thud. Gareth reached up to the kitchen counter next to them and pulled a knife. He held it to Syed's throat.

"I want to hear you scream as you die," he said as pressed the blade against the soft skin of Syed's throat.

"Please, don't," Syed begged, his hands clutching at Gareth's wrists to stop him from killing him.

"If I can't have you then no-one can."

With those words Syed felt a new burst of strength inside him and he managed to push Gareth off him. He grabbed hold of Gareth's wrists once more as he swung the knife at him. He struggled against him and Syed was pushed back to the floor. Gareth stood over him and grinned.

"It's the end," he said and thrust the knife down.

Syed wasn't giving up so easily and somehow he managed to grab his arm. He didn't know how but he managed to turn the blade of the knife round just as Gareth moved with the momentum. Instead of the knife stabbing Syed, it plunged into Gareth's chest. He gave a loud groan as he fell forward on top of Syed and then everything was still.

"No," Syed gasped and pushed Gareth off him. He reached up to Gareth's neck to feel for a pulse with his blood soaked hand, wanting desperately to find one so that everything would be okay but he couldn't find one.

He was dead.

XXX

Syed had no idea what was happening, he felt as though he was in a daze. He phoned the police but he couldn't remember doing it. All he could focus on was the blood on his hands. He stared at them whilst the police officer tried to ask him questions that he couldn't answer. He didn't know what to tell them.

He just wanted Christian.

"Mr Masood," he heard one of the police officers say. "You need to tell us what happened."

"He attacked me," Syed managed to say. "I didn't mean to stab him, he was trying to kill me. I want Christian."

"Who's Christian?" The officer asked, her voice full of empathy.

"My partner," Syed said before dissolving into tears.

"Can you give me a number to phone him?" She asked. Syed nodded and wrote it down in her notepad. "I need to take you to the police station as you need to give a statement but I'll call Christian and have him meet us there, does that sound okay?"

Syed nodded dumbly and allowed himself to be led out of the flat.

"You're not under arrest," the police officer explained further. "We just need to get a full picture of what happened here today."

"I'll answer your question but I just want to go home."

"You'll be able to go home as soon as we know what happened," the police officer opened the door to the police car and Syed sat inside.

He felt numb, completely numb. He didn't know what to do all he could think of was being with Christian, he needed to be with him so his lover could tell him it would all be all right. Until he saw Christian nothing would be okay.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: The last chapter :D. enjoy.  
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**Chapter Twelve**

"He raped me," Syed said quietly. "Then he forced me to go with him."

"Why?" The police officer asked.

"I met him once, he was angry with me over a one night stand. He said he wanted to make me suffer."

"How long were you captive?"

"Two days I think. He kept me tied to a chair."

"What happened earlier? How did you escape?"

"I managed to loosen the knot so I tried to run. He had a knife and he tried to stab me but somehow the knifed turned round and he pushed down to stab me but stabbed himself instead. I don't know how it happened. I've never hurt anyone before never mind kill them," Syed broke down into tears again. "I killed him."

XXX

Christian burst through the doors of the police station, panicking about what was happening. He'd received a call from the police to say that Syed was at the station and he rushed down there as quick as he could. He was greeted by the police officer who had been with Syed.

"Mr. Clarke?" She greeted him. "We spoke on the phone."

"Where's Syed? Is he okay?"

"He's being questioned at the moment."

"Questioned? Is he going to be charged?"

"Probably not. From what we can gather, he was attacked and was acting in self defence. The only thing is I think he blames himself for what happened."

"When can I see him?"

"He shouldn't be too much longer. He's desperate to see you. Take a seat and I'll bring him out when he's finished."

Christian sat down in the nearest chair and sighed heavily. His stomach felt as though it had been tied in knots and he felt sick. It had been days since he had seen Syed and then he received a phone call from the police. For a moment he had feared the worst, that Syed was dead. This wasn't as bad. He knew that they could both get through this as long as they were together. He would make it all right for Syed.

He didn't know how long he had been sitting there before he saw Syed walking down the corridor. He felt his heart stop. Syed looked so sad. His arms were wrapped around his slender frame, hugging himself and his eyes were rimmed with tears. Christian stood up and almost ran down the corridor towards his lover. He wrapped his arms tight around Syed and hugged him. Syed melted into his embrace.

"I was so worried about you," Christian whispered. "I thought you were dead."

"Please don't let me go," Syed begged quietly. "Never let me go."

"I promise," Christian replied. "Let's go home."

XXX

The flat seemed empty and dark to Syed as he allowed Christian to lead him back home. He felt as though he had been in a daze since Christian had taken him into his arms back at the police station and he had simply allowed Christian to take charge. It made him feel safe.

"Here we are, home at last," Christian tried to lighten the situation slightly but it only made Syed feel worse. "Do you want anything?"

"I killed him," Syed said quietly, so quiet that Christian almost didn't hear it.

"I know," he replied.

"I'm a bad person. I killed a man."

"You were defending yourself. There isn't a person alive who would blame you for defending yourself."

"Doesn't change the fact that I killed a person," tears started to form in Syed's eyes once more. Christian tried to hug him but he pushed him away. "Don't touch me. Please don't touch me."

"Sy…"

"No, I know what you're going to say and don't tell me it's going to be okay, please, don't because it's not."

"I know it's not okay and I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through but I'm not going to hate you for what you did. That man ruined your life, he made you suicidal and I hated him. He hurt you so much and I am not going to be sorry that he's dead."

"You can say that, though, you weren't the one that killed him. I've never even really been in a fight before and now I've murdered a man."

"You didn't mean to kill him. If you'd had any sort of a choice what would you have done?"

"I'd have run," Syed replied.

"There you go. He attacked you and you were just defending yourself."

"I understand what you're saying but it's my fault he died. It's all my fault."

"No, it isn't."

"If he'd never met me then he'd still be alive. It was all because of me."

"How do you know that?" Christian asked. "Who's to say that he wouldn't have been obsessed with some other bloke? If it wasn't you it would have been someone else and they might not have been strong enough to stop him."

"You think I'm strong? I don't feel strong."

"You are the strongest person I have ever met," Christian replied as he wrapped his arms around Syed. This time he didn't push him away and melted into the larger man, enjoying the warmth and comfort he provided. "You have been through so much and you've come out the other side. This is just another hurdle for you to overcome but I know you will."

"I hope so."

"You will," Christian repeated.

XXX

He didn't know it was possible to cry this much, to shed so many tears over a man he hated with all his being. But he was flooded with guilt. A guilt that gnawed away at his gut and made him feel sick to his very core. It made him hate him even more which in turn made him feel even guiltier for feeling that way. Christian tried to help and Syed loved him for it but it was up to Syed to make this feeling go away. No matter how sympathetic Christian was Syed knew that it wasn't going to help.

The cemetery was silent. Syed liked how quiet it was, not even the birds made a sound. It was peaceful and calming, a stark contrast to the way Syed felt.

He felt a tear slide down his cheek as he stopped in front of the grave he had been looking for.

Gareth.

Syed stood in front of the small headstone for several minutes before he found the strength to speak. He took a deep breath and began to speak all the words he thought he'd never have the strength to say.

"I hate you," he confessed. "I honestly never thought it was possible for me to hate someone but then I met you. You destroyed my life. You made me feel worthless. You almost ruined my relationship with the man I love more than anything and you're still doing it even though you're dead.

"But no more. I am not going to let you hurt me anymore because I am better than that. You are… were the biggest regret of my life, I wish I had never met you but I can't go on holding onto all this resentment because if I do then I'm going to turn into you and I don't want that. I want to be happy, I want to live my life with the man I love so that is what I am going to do. I'm not going to let you win.

"I'm never coming back here after this. From now on you won't even cross my mind because I'm never going to give you the satisfaction of thinking that you ever meant anything."

Syed closed his eyes and allowed the final tears to fall. He was never going to cry over this man again.

XXX

Syed knew that Christian was waiting for him outside the cemetery gates. Even though he had asked the older man not to come he knew he had followed him and in that moment he was grateful for it. He allowed Christian to pull him into a hug and Syed lot himself for a moment, allowing himself to be comforted by big, strong arms.

"How are you?" Christian asked.

"I'm fine," Syed replied.

And for the first time in a long time he really was.


End file.
